At this point I know Christmas is over for most of you, even though it’s only day seven of the twelve, but I’ve got one more thing that God and I discussed that I want to bring up.
If you’ve listened to much Christmas music and not confined yourself to strictly carols, then you’ve most likely heard “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus” far more times than you’d like to tally. It’s obvious to anyone older than the song’s narrator that there’s some foreplay happening. Mommy moves from kissing underneath the mistletoe to tickling under the beard. It’s not hard to imagine where she goes from there. The lyrics don’t get any more graphic but is that because the poor child that witnessed this didn’t have the vocabulary to describe what came next, or is it because the traumatized kid has blocked it out of his memories?
God then asked me what I thought Daddy was doing dressed up as Santa in the first place. It’s a hell of a question. Did they think that they’re little boy was likely to wake up and wander down while they were putting the presents under the tree? If so, how did they intend to explain away the absence of sleigh and reindeer? Or, even worse, what if they had a sleigh and reindeer handy, how did that fit into their perverted plans? And if they didn’t expect junior to come traipsing in, is this fetish for jolly fat men a once a year thing or do they indulge it other times? Do they have other rituals for other holidays? Does Dad have an Easter Bunny suit with strategic cutouts? The mind boggles.
Well, anyway, thanks for listening. I really didn’t mean to creep anybody out, but, well, maybe I do listen to too much holiday music.