Archive for December, 2010

Santa Suit

Friday, December 31st, 2010

At this point I know Christmas is over for most of you, even though it’s only day seven of the twelve, but I’ve got one more thing that God and I discussed that I want to bring up.

If you’ve listened to much Christmas music and not confined yourself to strictly carols, then you’ve most likely heard “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus” far more times than you’d like to tally. It’s obvious to anyone older than the song’s narrator that there’s some foreplay happening. Mommy moves from kissing underneath the mistletoe to tickling under the beard. It’s not hard to imagine where she goes from there. The lyrics don’t get any more graphic but is that because the poor child that witnessed this didn’t have the vocabulary to describe what came next, or is it because the traumatized kid has blocked it out of his memories?

God then asked me what I thought Daddy was doing dressed up as Santa in the first place. It’s a hell of a question. Did they think that they’re little boy was likely to wake up and wander down while they were putting the presents under the tree? If so, how did they intend to explain away the absence of sleigh and reindeer? Or, even worse, what if they had a sleigh and reindeer handy, how did that fit into their perverted plans? And if they didn’t expect junior to come traipsing in, is this fetish for jolly fat men a once a year thing or do they indulge it other times? Do they have other rituals for other holidays? Does Dad have an Easter Bunny suit with strategic cutouts? The mind boggles.

Well, anyway, thanks for listening. I really didn’t mean to creep anybody out, but, well, maybe I do listen to too much holiday music.

Divine Christmastime

Friday, December 24th, 2010

Well, it’s almost here, today is Christmas Eve, tonight Santa serves up his stockings full of goodies all over the world. At nearly the same time, millions of Catholics attend midnight mass, catching their church’s show the same way that science fiction fans throng to midnight premieres of their most anticipated movies.

These days the Catholic Church is not enjoying the same respect it’s used to, a small percentage of Catholic priests have managed to taint the whole institution with the image of pedophilic predation. It’s appalling how widespread, how pervasive the practice managed to be without actually being a deliberate goal of the organization.

But why do I bring this up now? Why at Christmastime? Well, God and I were listening to some Christmas carols and he highlighted some of the lyrics for me. Take a look at this excerpt from “O Holy Night” and you can wonder along with me at just how far back this whole Priest/Boy love thing might go:

“Fall on your knees!
“Oh, hear the angel voices!
“O night divine.”

Certainly not a smoking gun, but mighty suspicious when looked at in hindsight. Anyway, Merry Christmas, and know that I’ll be hoping that someone falls on their knees for you this year.

Mr. Snowman

Friday, December 17th, 2010

If you listen to enough Christmas music you’ll notice that “we’ll have lots of fun with Mr. Snowman” either until “the other kiddies come around,” or until “the other kiddies knock him down.”

To be fair most versions are firmly in the “other kiddies knock him down” camp, but that’s certainly the less positive of the two lyrics. When the line says “the other kiddies come around” it’s still possible that the fun stops because the other kiddies knocked him down, but it’s also possible that they just came up with new games that didn’t involve Mr. Snowman; it’s even possible that the original kids stopped playing with Mr. Snowman because they wanted their magical friend to be just their little secret, to keep him to themselves.

I tried to get God to tell me what the different lyrics said about the singers and the meanings they were trying to convey, but she just told me that it was only a song, that I should stop overanalyzing it and have another candy cane. And, well, I do like peppermint. I wonder if they stopped playing with Mr. Snowman because he made a threatening move and one of them used pepper spray on him? And could you come out with a seasonal self-defense spray and call it Pepper/Mint Spray?

Pink Christmas

Friday, December 10th, 2010

God took me out Christmas shopping this week. Among other things this got me into areas of stores into which I don’t normally venture. The toy aisle to be specific.

The thing about the toy aisles is they’re one of the few places left where as a culture we still revel in stereotyping. That aisle full of army men and construction vehicles, it may not say it’s the boys’ aisle, but we all know it is. And then you turn the corner and find yourself awash in a sea of pink, and, well, you know whose aisle that is.

Before I even had a chance to start spouting off any politically correct denouncement of the displays before me, God cut me off. He told me that catering to the gender preferences isn’t a problem, the thing that’s a problem is not allowing the kids to also step outside of their stereotypes. There’s nothing wrong with conforming in your tastes, there’s only something wrong in being made to conform and in not being allowed to not conform.

So if your little Martian wants to take a field trip to Venus, don’t force him to sneak out when you’re not looking, show him the way. Odds are he’ll want to come back pretty soon, but if he doesn’t, at least you’ll know where he is.

It’s Time

Friday, December 3rd, 2010

Well, it’s holiday season again. Right now we’re in the midst of Hanukkah, the Jewish Festival of Lights, which Jon Stewart pointed out is the celebration of a bargain, of the lamp oil lasting eight days instead of just one.

Now “Jewish” is a slightly ambiguous term. It is used both to denote a people, sharing a common ancestry and culture and also practitioners of the religion of Judaism. Admittedly there is a lot of overlap between these two groups, but right now I want to take a moment to talk just to the religious Jews. Hopefully without their God listening in.

Now I haven’t read the Torah, but I’ve read a bit of the Bible and I’m told that the Old Testament and the Torah overlap quite a bit and both tell a history of the Jewish people. The Jews consider themselves to be God’s chosen people. I’m not entirely sure where this notion comes from. God let the Egyptians enslave the Jews, when he finally sent Moses to lead them out of that servitude he then let them wander around in the desert for forty years before finding a new homeland. Sometime later, they managed to lose their homeland again. More recently they had to endure attempted genocide in the form of the Holocaust, which finally gave them the impetus to fight a war to take back Israel to be their homeland again. This allows them to once more scratch out their existence in the middle of the desert, surrounded by enemies, and in a nearly constant state of war.

This is the life that God has given to his “chosen” people.

Clearly this is an abusive relationship. I want to urge all the Jews to rise up, get some self respect, and leave this guy. God doesn’t deserve them. Look, I’m sure you can spend the night in a shelter somewhere, change your phone numbers, and then have nothing to do with God ever again. Yes, I know you love him, but that’s no excuse to put up with this kind of treatment. Grow a backbone, why don’t you?